Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

How has this principle, nurturing your fondness and admiration, strengthened your relationship with another individual?

As I make the effort to recognize all of the sweet things my husband does for us, and the sweet things he says when I am not feeling good, and I take the time to thank him for those things, I feel closer to him. He also is very appreciative of the things I do for us and he expresses his gratitude. I feel my fondness increase every time I see him doing something to help me and when he notices the things I do for him. I think that each time we take the time to thank each other, we feel more appreciated and unified.

Another thing I actively try to do is to notice the things I admire about him. I love that he takes his church calling seriously, he is studying hard to be able to provide for us and our future family, he loves going to the temple with me. He makes sure we pray together, and he is so good with my youngest brother who was born with Downs syndrome.

There is a saying that says, “Keep your eyes wide open during courtship and half-closed after the wedding.” I understand what the intended meaning behind this saying is, but there also might be times when we need to use both of our eyes to see the good in our spouse, especially if we have become accustomed to only noticing their shortcomings.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is filled with sage advice and helpful exercises to help you see the good in your spouse and to reflect on the good times in your relationship. I intend to try those exercises to help me stay aware of how blessed I am to have a spouse as wonderful as mine.

Change is Possible.

A Book of Mormon King and prophet, King Benjamin, said, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child,ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19 (Links to an external site.))

The challenge of trying to overcome the natural woman in me is a constant cycle. I know that I have many short comings, but I thought I had everything under control.... then I got married. my short comings are more evident than ever. My husband is kind and patient with me as I work at overcoming the natural woman. (No, he is not perfect, but we are good for each other as we face our respective limitations)

There are times when I feel like I have a good grip on things like my patience, attitude, body language... but then I read things like Dr. John Gottman's four horsemen, and I come to a rude awakening that I have a lot of work to do. I know I can do better, I know I can be better. 

It can be easy to get discouraged when we feel like we are trying so hard to change or improve something that we don't like about ourselves, but that is how Satan wants us to feel. He wants us to feel discouraged and hopeless. He wants us to thing that there is no point in trying, since we are who we are and there is nothing we can do about it. 

However the TRUTH is that there is hope. One of my mantras is "Fake till you make it." Let me explain... I love to people watch and I have seen certain characteristics and routines that I want have and do. I also see a lot of characteristics and choices that I want no part of. For example, I have seen wives who love the Lord, love their husband and children. They lovingly care for, serve, teach, and help lead their family. I want to be that kind of wife! On the other hand, I have seen wives who nag, bicker, want complete control, backbite, and speak negatively about being a wife and mother... I don't want to be this kind of woman. 

I may not perfectly be the former type of woman, but I can "fake" it by exemplifying the kinds of things that woman would do, until I am that kind of woman. I can make an effort to say and do the things a godly wife and mother would do, and one day, that will be who I am. 

I know "fake it till you make it," can sound a little deceiving, but it has helped me develop really good qualities that are who I am now. I will keep prayerfully making the effort to be better in other areas in my life until those decisions and actions are just part of who I am. 

I have accepted that I will never be perfect in this life, but that wont keep me from trying to be better. 

Here is a link where a prophet of God teaches us about nurturing our marriage, enjoy!

Nurturing Marriage

Covenant Marriage v. Contractual Marriage

What things in particular are you going to implement into your life to ensure that your marriage is a covenant marriage and not a contractual marriage?

My husband and I have been married for less than three months, but we have already talked about what we need to do to make sure our marriage qualifies to become a celestial marriage. This is my second marriage and I spent a lot of time after my divorce thinking about what I could do differently to avoid what I had gone through in my first marriage. 

One of the first things I had to work on was how self-centered and individualistic I was. Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, "The adversary has long cultivated this overemphasis on personal autonomy, and now he feverishly exploits it. Our deepest God-given instinct is to run to the arms of those who need us and sustain us. But he drives us away from each other today with wedges of distrust and suspicion. He exaggerates the need for having space, getting out, and being left alone." Elder Hafen also mentioned, "Surely marriage partners must respect one another’s individual identity, and family members are neither slaves nor inanimate objects." Through serving in different church callings and as an ordinance worker in the temple, I have had many opportunities to feel united with others and to put the needs of others before my own. Now it is something I also practice with my husband. 

One thing we do together is to attend the temple often. We love to go to the temple to serve people on the other side of the veil, we love hearing the promises and being reminded of the covenants we have made. We feel closer to each other and closer to heaven when we go to the the temple. We also feel that we are strengthened individually and as a couple when we serve as ordinance workers. We love being in the Lord's house. We feel like our time in the temple showers us with many blessings and strengthens our bond. We feel better protected against the adversary, and our resolve to avoid temptations is renewed. 

We know that trials will come our way. We know that we will be tested. We also know that everything we do now to strengthen our marriage and our testimonies, will help us keep our covenants when things get hard. We also know that as we work together, we will feel more united, and we will be able to face the challenges that come our way. 

I invite you to check out of the following links for more information

The Church of Jesus Christ - Family

The Church of Jesus Christ - Marriage

Defending the Family

Not too long ago, social culture and views in the U.S. were closely aligned to the teaching of the Church. That is no longer the case, and the gap between the two seems to be ever widening. I tend to live in a self-imposed bubble where I filter out things and influences that don’t support my personal views. I filter movies, music, people that I will be close friends with, and even how often I check my social media accounts. As I open my eyes more and more to what is going on in the world around me, I have come to realize that my self-imposed bubble is not “standing as a disciple of Christ.” Maybe it helps me stay out of trouble, but I am not helping anyone else. And it is definitely not preparing me to able to teach my posterity. As times get more perilous, my children will not be able to stand idly by as I have been doing. I need to be a more active defender of the family and other truths that I hold so dear to my heart. The truth, I refer to is that marriage is ordained of God and He designed marriage to be between one man and one woman. No matter what laws and society say, they cannot change what God has established.

I know that as I do so, my Heavenly Father will continue to shower blessings on me. I mentioned in a previous post that I went through a period of inactivity before realizing that the only way to experience true joy was to align my life to God’s will. By doing so, I was ready and worthy when He brought one of His amazing sons into my life to become my husband. Together, we have a great responsibility to teach the children that we hope to have to love everyone, but to never forget the importance of the Family and to prepare them to also be defenders of the family. As the opposition gets louder, we must stand firm to the truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ and help spread the love and hope that he offers to us all.

Here is a video that communicates my views. 

Marriage is not meant to be temporary.

Before I get into the "meat" of this post, I want everyone to know that I have been divorced before and I do not judge anyone that has been divorced, whatever the reason. I was recently remarried, neither my husband or myself are perfect, but we are happy. We are adjusting to our new life together and learning to work together. 

I know that the greatest level of joy that we can ever experience comes from following the commandments of God. After my divorce, I went through a period where I decided that His laws (commandments) weren't for me and the lifestyle I wanted. After a few years, I realized that I was kidding myself, I was not happy. I knew that there was a way for me to be truly happy again, and that it was going to require work, humility, and diligence. 

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I believe that we are eternal beings. I believe that we knew God and lived with him before we came to this earth life. I believe that our family relationships can be eternal and that we can return to live in the presence of God as exalted beings to live with him forever. Thus, I believe that Marriage can be eternal. 

President Faust said, "The family relationship of father, mother, and child is the oldest and most enduring institution in the world. It has survived vast differences of geography and culture. This is because marriage between man and woman is a natural state and is ordained of God. It is a moral imperative. Those marriages performed in our temples, to have eternal relationships, then, become the most sacred covenants we can make...In my opinion, members of the Church have the most effective cure for our decaying family life. It is for men, women, and children to honor and respect the divine roles of both fathers and mothers in the home." 

Since our marriage and family relationships are the most important, we should treat them with great care. We should not put them on the back burner while we tend to other things that are not priorities. We should find ways to keep marriage engaging to both parties and find ways to work and serve together.

My husband and I get to teach a class of young children together and we love that we study the scriptures and discuss ideas and how to simplify those ideas in a way that makes sense to 6 & 7 year olds. And even if the class seems like a disaster, we benefit from the time we spend preparing together and from the experience we have of serving together. 

Another thing that we feel that helps us feel united is setting goals together. Right now, we have a couple financial goals, so we set up our budget and we go over it often to make sure we are on track and on the same page. I know that seems small to some people, but it has really helped us feel more like a united team. 

I know there are times when it seems like throwing in the towel would be better for everyone, but (excluding extreme circumstances) I would encourage you to reconsider. This is a challenge to myself as well. I am sure that I will face trials in my marriage, and I challenge myself to work with God and my husband to work through things that can be worked through.