Preparing Youth for Fidelity and Physical Intimacy in Marriage

The past several weeks I have been reading John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work," and H. Wallace Goddard's "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage." Both books are great for healing some issues in marriage and for strengthening marriages. This week I was reading Chapter 5 in Goddard's book and it talked about Purity. I also read other materials and articles about the affects of pornography on marriage and family, I read about emotional and physical infidelity. 

When we look around our society and even in some of our favorite shows and movies, we see how immorality is glamorized. We are moved when the two leads in the show finally get "together," even if "together" isn't marriage. In many cases, these distorted views of live, love, and marriage, are the only "lessons," our youth get. Many well meaning parents aren't comfortable talking to their children about things like sex and the hard parts of marriage.

What can we do to help protect our youth from the devastating and distorted views society, TV media, social media,  and pornography project on to them? I strongly feel that we need to be age-appropriately-transparent. Not only warn of the negative consequences of false views and actions, but also teach of the goodness that is there for us.  Is married life wonderful and easy 100% of the time? No. But the time and effort we put into working on our marriage with our spouse will be worth it. I firmly believe that we can experience no greater joy than in our family. To love and be loved unconditionally. To trust and be trusted completely. To have an ever reliable eternal companion, and to raise children with that person. This is the best place for us to be able to experience the joy that Heavenly Father has for us, His children. 

We need to help prepare our youth to recognize the truth, and so they are able to discern between the truth of the gospel and the lies of Satan. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has great material to start teaching youth. If you are a parent, please talk to your kids. If you don't know how to broach this topic, please seek help from trusted friends, family, church leaders, and/or professionals. 

Suggested material:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/for-the-strength-of-youth/family?lang=eng

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/true-to-the-faith/marriage?lang=eng

Lesson's from John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

As I have been reading John Gottman’s book: “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” the past few weeks I have taken time to regularly evaluate my marriage, more importantly I evaluated myself in my marriage.

First let me share what the seven principles are:

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

In today’s culture, there is a heavy emphasis on individualism. If something/someone is not adding the value to your life that you expect that person or thing to add to your life at any moment in time, you are completely justified in moving along to the next person or thing. You are seen as brave, strong, and courageous for living your life for you and your happiness.

You might ask “what’s wrong with that?” The flaw in this way of thinking is that it is so limited. You cannot imagine the love and deeper meaning and belonging that come from knowing that you and your partner are loyal and committed through think and thin.

I recently stumbled upon a video on YouTube by a military spouse where she shows what her and her deployed husband are doing to prioritize their marriage during this time of physical separation. These spouses are on opposite sides of the world physically, but emotionally they are united, and they work at strengthening their bond every day. They have a beautiful relationship.

Marriage takes work, it will require sacrifice, each spouse will need to have patience, compassion, and charity towards the other. No marriage is perfect, and a “perfect marriage” is not a prerequisite for happiness, we can find and feel happiness every day. We can look for and magnify the good in our marriage, in our spouse, and in our self.

As I mentioned above, I have been taking a closer look at my thoughts and actions while reading this book. At times I have been very hard on myself, I have beaten myself up for my imperfections. After talking to my husband, I have come to realize that this book is a great resource, but its purpose was not to shame me, but to teach principles that if applied in a healthy manner, will strengthen us and our marriage. We don’t have a perfect marriage, but we prioritize each other and we both have a desire to keep our marriage strong and healthy and this book is full of good information to help us.

Above referenced video:

Prioritizing Marriage Through A Deployment | Habit Tracking For A Long Distance Relationship (Links to an external site.)

Forgiveness in Marriage

My parents are good examples of patience, grace, and forgiveness in marriage. They have their disagreements, they can annoy each other from time to time, they have their fair share of miscommunications and misunderstandings, but they find ways to show grace and to extend forgiveness to each other. Because they have a good relationship and mutual respect, they are able to look past the passing words and actions that can be offensive. 

Growing up, this was good for me to witness. Marriage is great, but it can be challenging at times and forgiveness is required for both spouses to be able to learn and grow. We should give grace when our partner unintentionally causes offense.

I know that when our hurt feelings are raw, grace and forgiveness are hard to give. We might feel justified in withholding forgiveness and acts of love, but all that does is extend the duration of our own hurt feelings. Of course, cases of abuse require justice, I do not think that anyone should have to tolerate any type of abuse, in those cases I urge you to seek help.

 In the case of my parents, I believe that they are quick to forgive because they have a strong friendship. They trust that they are always on each others side, they are each others greatest support system, they are united in their goals and purpose. 

These are the things that I want to strengthen in my marriage. We have only been married for about 3.5 months, but we have had opportunities to expend forgiveness to each other and have a more complete reconciliation. 

I am grateful for the example of my parents who demonstrated that marriage is not perfect, but we can still love and forgive each other and move on.

Pride

As I read President Ezra Taft Bensons Talk “Beware of Pride,” I was struck when he said, “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of the word. It limits or stops progression. The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” This hit me heavily, because I can see myself in that statement. I hate to be wrong in most cases. I can be humble when I am learning something new, for example if I start a new job, get a new calling, or when I sere in the temple. But at home and with my family, I can be quite prideful.

The readings this week from John Gottman’s book and Goddard’s book, along with the above referenced talk, have really called me to repentance. Where does someone as proud as me start to repent and work to change toward humility?

I love that President Benson ended his talk with what we can do to choose to humble ourselves. I will list a few that are personally meaningful to me:

• We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are.
• We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement.
• We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us.
• We can choose to humble ourselves by confessing and forsaking our sins and being born of God.
• We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives.

President Benson listed scriptures to each of these so we can study this for ourselves. I don’t think that I am overly proud, but I recognize the need for me to work on overcoming this part of me. I know that my relationships will be blessed as I put in the effort.

Turning Toward Your Spouse

D&C 64:33 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

When we think about turning toward one another from the grand scheme of things, it seems like such a small and simple thing to do. It seems to be like something that shouldn’t take much effort to do, but in some cases, it takes a great deal of effort. I can relate to the story we read of the husband making the choice to turn to his wife. I am just where he was. I can be social when I’m out in public, but when I am home I just like to be alone and re-charge. I have known that this is something I need to change, but it has really been a priority these past couple weeks.

I decided to start Dr. Gottman’s 7 week course in Fondness and Admiration last week and it has helped me focus on my husband which has dominoed into me turning toward him more. We have spent a lot of time talking with each other in the mornings before work and when we come together in the evening. I feel so much more connected to him on a deeper level.

I know that even though these are small and seemingly insignificant things, it is these small things that help bring us together and feel more united. And something the small and routine things are the hardest to do, but they can be worth the effort. Focusing more on my spouse and learning to always turn toward him are skills that I need to learn and master and I know that our marriage will be blessed and strengthened by them.

Nurturing Fondness and Admiration

How has this principle, nurturing your fondness and admiration, strengthened your relationship with another individual?

As I make the effort to recognize all of the sweet things my husband does for us, and the sweet things he says when I am not feeling good, and I take the time to thank him for those things, I feel closer to him. He also is very appreciative of the things I do for us and he expresses his gratitude. I feel my fondness increase every time I see him doing something to help me and when he notices the things I do for him. I think that each time we take the time to thank each other, we feel more appreciated and unified.

Another thing I actively try to do is to notice the things I admire about him. I love that he takes his church calling seriously, he is studying hard to be able to provide for us and our future family, he loves going to the temple with me. He makes sure we pray together, and he is so good with my youngest brother who was born with Downs syndrome.

There is a saying that says, “Keep your eyes wide open during courtship and half-closed after the wedding.” I understand what the intended meaning behind this saying is, but there also might be times when we need to use both of our eyes to see the good in our spouse, especially if we have become accustomed to only noticing their shortcomings.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman is filled with sage advice and helpful exercises to help you see the good in your spouse and to reflect on the good times in your relationship. I intend to try those exercises to help me stay aware of how blessed I am to have a spouse as wonderful as mine.

Change is Possible.

A Book of Mormon King and prophet, King Benjamin, said, "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child,ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19 (Links to an external site.))

The challenge of trying to overcome the natural woman in me is a constant cycle. I know that I have many short comings, but I thought I had everything under control.... then I got married. my short comings are more evident than ever. My husband is kind and patient with me as I work at overcoming the natural woman. (No, he is not perfect, but we are good for each other as we face our respective limitations)

There are times when I feel like I have a good grip on things like my patience, attitude, body language... but then I read things like Dr. John Gottman's four horsemen, and I come to a rude awakening that I have a lot of work to do. I know I can do better, I know I can be better. 

It can be easy to get discouraged when we feel like we are trying so hard to change or improve something that we don't like about ourselves, but that is how Satan wants us to feel. He wants us to feel discouraged and hopeless. He wants us to thing that there is no point in trying, since we are who we are and there is nothing we can do about it. 

However the TRUTH is that there is hope. One of my mantras is "Fake till you make it." Let me explain... I love to people watch and I have seen certain characteristics and routines that I want have and do. I also see a lot of characteristics and choices that I want no part of. For example, I have seen wives who love the Lord, love their husband and children. They lovingly care for, serve, teach, and help lead their family. I want to be that kind of wife! On the other hand, I have seen wives who nag, bicker, want complete control, backbite, and speak negatively about being a wife and mother... I don't want to be this kind of woman. 

I may not perfectly be the former type of woman, but I can "fake" it by exemplifying the kinds of things that woman would do, until I am that kind of woman. I can make an effort to say and do the things a godly wife and mother would do, and one day, that will be who I am. 

I know "fake it till you make it," can sound a little deceiving, but it has helped me develop really good qualities that are who I am now. I will keep prayerfully making the effort to be better in other areas in my life until those decisions and actions are just part of who I am. 

I have accepted that I will never be perfect in this life, but that wont keep me from trying to be better. 

Here is a link where a prophet of God teaches us about nurturing our marriage, enjoy!

Nurturing Marriage